tv Jimmy Kimmel Live ABC March 20, 2012 12:00am-1:05am EDT
charity work. thanks to dan. we hope you check in for "good morning america," they are working while some of us are sleeping. jimmy kimmel is next. we'll see you tomorrow. it used to be us that would set things on fire for no reason. now we sit around updating facebook all day. >> dicky: jessica simpon -- >> jimmy: are you pregnant? >>. >> do you smoke? do you watch
what's it like driving the fusion hybrid? you can read every system that is operating by pushing a button. it's like driving a computer. what would be the hardest thing for you to give up? the miles per gallon, the fuel. when you're used to filling your car up once a week, then suddenly once every three weeks, believe me it'll be a big difference going back. >> dicky: from hollywood, it's "jimmy kimmel live!" tonight -- jessica simpson -- gael garcia bernal -- and music from the naked and famous. with cleto and the cletones. and now, here's jimmy kimmel! [cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: thank you, i appreciate that. welcome to the show. thank you for watching. thank you for coming to visit. i see you survived st. patrick's day, although i think i spotted one dead guy in the back row. as you know, st. patrick's day celebrates st. patrick, who as legend has it, drove all the mother fing snakes off the mother fing plane. in ontario, canada, they had a big bonfire, mattresses, trees. they had a gumby there. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: they were throwing fire trucks, they damaged 70 police cars. canada is kicking our ass in rioting lately.
it used to be us who set things on fire for no reason. now we sit around updating facebook all day. pathetic. this is from festivities in newark, new jersey this weekend where i'm almost embarrassed to say there were no incidents. >> the cool wet conditions failed to dampen the spirits of revellers. >> i'm irish and always happy to see the irish come back to newark. it's a great day being in newark with all the irish. . >> jimmy: something tells me st. patrick's isn't the only day he dresses like that. today was a big night in the world of televised dancing, the floor was waxed, the stars were tan. len goodman had a fresh bowl of candy on the judge's table for
the season premiere of "dancing with the stars" tonight. i have to say, it is exciting to watch these performances and realize that one day, one of these stars could turn out to be an actual star. [ laughter ] quite a group they've assemble said this time out, people from melrose place, little house on the prairie, family magazine, if you saw it between 1975 and 1993, we've got it. sherri shepherd from the view is dancing. martina navratilova, gladys knight, a latino heartthrob named william levy. what kind of a name is william levy for a latino heartthrob? sounds more like your claims representative at state farm. despite the fact that i've never heard of the guy, the gambling
website has him as the odds-on favorite to win this thing. i think this might be why. there's a lot of photos of him in his underpats. here we have another one. you can almost she his chez bono. this is his bar mitzvah photo. that's an unusual yam aka. and bruno tone yoly can remain objective. in case you're wondering how the casting process for "dancing with the stars" works, here's how they do it. the casting directors go to a 99 cent store. one of them puts on a blindfold, and then they spin them around exactly three times, no more or less. then he reaches into a bin full of videos, pulls one out, and there you have it. family matters, jaleel white. then they do that 11 more times.
[ applause ] jaleel white of course is the artist formerly known as urkel. i can't wait for the night, you know it will happen, week tleerks week five, when he comes out on stage with the glasses, the suspenders, he dances, strikes a pose, and says, di do that? there won't be a dry eye in the house. they'll go nuts. jaleel white coming back to tv, most of the contestants are people who were very famous or kind of famous, then dropped out of sight. now they're back on a show that's very popular, millions and millions of viewers. it's what they call the urkel of life. as is our tradition, tonight i will predict who i think will win this season of "dancing with the stars." it's not easy this year partly because i don't know who half the dancers are. i have a pretty good track record. i bet on them, too.
the first time i picked castro nefes. then i did it, choosing kristy yam gucci. then i picked lance bass, who lost. i picked gilles marini, game in second. i chose donny osmond. he won for me. i picked erin andrews, she came in third. then jennifer gray, she won. i picked hines ward, he won. last season i picked david arquette, my worst prediction ever. but still that's why they call me nostradamus. gee yermo, are you ready? [ applause ] guillermo has been replaced by a chipmunk. i've written my selection do on a piece of paper inside a
brief case in guillermo's mother. guillermo, remove the brief case and reveal my selection. my selection is -- >> donald, the driver. [ applause ] >> jimmy: donald, the driver will win season 14 of "dancing with the stars." you are something. put that back in your mouth. on dancing, i think i'm in 48th place in the ncaa basketball pool. i don't know what happened to me. this is a commercial that ran during one of the games this weekend. a local business came up with a unique way to tie themselves into march madness. >> hey, guys, want to watch the college basketball tournament
free? get in this time for the tournament. then sit on the couch for uninterrupted basketball. we'll throw in a free pizza. on friday, apple released their latest version of the ipad. so if you have the ipad 2, it now officially sucks. you can throw it away. apple is even now working on the next ipad, and it comes pregnant with the next ipad after that. there's a lot of media coverage around the new ipad, as there always is. a cnn reporter named dan simon was covering the mayhem outside apple in san francisco, and in doing so, provided us with tonight's edition of behind the news. >> i've been getting a lot of questions from people asking me whether or not they should upgrade, and what i tell them is, if they have the original
ipad -- >> i'm going to buy one right now. >> i told folks, if they have the original ipad -- [ laughter ] >> jimmy: those of you visiting, it was cold and wet and windy here in southern california this weekend. the air was filled with chihuahuas. it was windy during the marathon. the winning time was two hours and 12 minutes. i can't even finish a saved by the bell marathon in under three hours. can you guess which person won the marathon, the jingeer bread cookie? was it wonder woman and west hollywood jesus, the man with the doll house on his head or guy from kenya followed by two guys from kenya? [ laughter ] >> jimmy: apparently costumes
aren't aerodynamic. the top male runners were from kenya. the top three women runners were from ethiopia. seems like not having netflix makes you faster. >> jimmy: rick santorum got some relaxing time in and someone, actually it was a gay cruise ship passing by for real. the ship wasn't gay. the people on it were. [ laughter ] they shot a photo of rick santorum topless. isn't tt perfect time for someone to write, i'm gay, on his chest in sunblock? rick santorum's latest thing, he wants to crack down on pornography. most political analysts say it could hurt him with the every single man in america vote. santorum said, when he's in the
white house, he'll tell his attorney general to prosecute people who distributes any content that is deemed obscene. will he appoint a team to watch porn all day? if so, he could solve the unemployment crisis. he's not saying to get rid of all of it, just some of it, just the dirty stuff. this is what a porno would look like under rick santorum. ♪ >> hi. >> hey, did someone order an extra large sausage pizza? >> yes, i did. thank you. >> thank you. >> i'm rick santorum and i
approved this pornography. >> jimmy: herman cain approved that too. the reason he's so against pornography is because he thinks it's quote, very damaging to people. he's probably right. but i think most people can handle it. my guess is most adults have some relationship with porn from time to time, which got me thinking, can you tell if someone watches pornography, just lie looking at them. we sent a camera crew out to ask pedestrians, do you watch porn? we'll see a person, and the video will stop and we will all guess whether the person enjoys films of the adult variety. >> ralph, do you watch porn? [ applause ] >> hell, yeah.
hell, yeah. hell, yeah. >> jimmy: next. >> rob wise, sussanah esco bar. yes or no, do you watch pornography? >> jimmy: their faces have changed noticeably. i guess the question is, are you going to tell the truth? what do we think? yes or no? no? let's see what he says. >> sometimes. every once in a while. >> that's not good, not good at all. that's it? >> jimmy: sorry about that. who else do we have here. >> jeremy, i'm from the valley, van nuys, california. >> do you watch pornography? >> jimmy: that's insulting. >> um, yes, yes.
>> any favorites? >> lesbian, men on women, no gay porn. [ laughter ] >> jimmy: when you hear that laugh again? some guilt in there, i think. all right, next? >> my name is agram, originally from israel, but i live in l.a. for like 18 years. >> do you watch porn? >> jimmy: most everyone says no. >> no -- well, sometimes. [ applause ] >> that's a question you don't ask on tv. >> jimmy: that's a question you don't answer on tv is what it is. >> jimmy: who's next? >> jesse from california. >> jesse, do you watch porn?
>> jimmy: based on his choice of pearl, i'm guessing yes. >> i do not. >> jimmy: well, we'll take him at his word. >> vanessa from san gabriel, california. >> vanessa, do you watch pornography? >> jimmy: vanessa, do you? >> yes, i do. >> jimmy: i think we have one more. >> alex from minnesota. >> alex, do you watch pornography? >> jimmy: everyone thinks so. okay, alex? >> yeah, i have, but not since i went blind. >> jimmy: well, it's a good lesson for all of us, i think. i guess what your mom said is true. so there you have it, everybody.
a lot of squirming going on right now. we got a good show for you tonight. from "casa de mi padre," gael garcia bernal is here. we have music tonight from the naked and famous. and we'll be right back with jessica simpson. so stick around. i would want my money back from the government. i would want it back. [ announcer ] at h&r block, we guarantee you won't leave money on the table. don't risk your refund. call 1-800-hrblock or visit hrblock.com... and never settle for less.
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>> jimmy: tonight on the program, you can currently see him playing the evil drug lord onza in the spanish-language will ferrell movie, "casa de mi padre." gael garcia bernal is here. [ applause ] and then with music from their latest album -- it's called "passive me, aggressive you" -- from new zealand -- making their network television debut in the united states -- "the naked and famous" from the bud light outdoor stage.
[ applause ] >> jimmy: tomorrow we'll be joined by kristen bell, ice cube, and we'll have music from kiss. they're bringing a lot of fireworks with them. and later this week, the great don rickles, kristin chenoweth, dave franco, nascar driver jimmie johnson, music from neon trees and the band from the muppets -- dr. teeth and the electric mayhem, will be here for the greatest drum battle in television history -- travis barker versus animal. [ applause ] >> jimmy: nine years ago, our first guest was best known for having difficulty distinguishing tuna from chicken. now, she's oprah rich and smarter than all of us, with a hugely successful clothing line and a new job as mentor on the new reality show, "fashion star." watch it tuesdays at 10:00 on nbc. please welcome, jessica simpson. [cheers and applause ]
>> jimmy: i feel nervous about asking, but are you pregnant? >> yeah, slightly. i feel like i have a bowling ball sitting on high hoo-ha. it's intense. >> jimmy: you might have a couple bowling balls there. >> everybody's saying that to me. apparently i have a lot of fluid, so whenever my water breaks, it will be like a fire hydrant. let's hope it doesn't happen tonight. >> jimmy: let's hope it does happen tonight! i would be honored to deliver your child on television. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: who did this to you? >> a guy named eric johnson. >> jimmy: this is your boyfriend? >> fiance. feels like my husband already.
we're just doing it a little bit backwards. but, yeah, we met at my house, actually. >> jimmy: what? >> it's one of those stories. he came with one of my friends to my house. >> jimmy: at a party? >> we were watching march madness or something. and he came over, and he sat on my stairwell and talked and i haven't let him leave. >> jimmy: so you met watching a basketball tournament, and now you have a basketball in your stomach. >> exactly. foreshadowing. >> jimmy: and you're waiting to get married until the baby is in college. >> i want to do it, but she'll be in the wedding now. >> jimmy: yeah, true. >> i just had a baby shower yesterday. it was unbelievable. >> jimmy: who threw it for you? >> my mother threw me the baby shower and the party planner, mindy wise. it was a charlotte's web thing. >> jimmy: are you naming the
baby charlotte, is that why? >> no, we aren't. but we had like a whole fair, fried oreos. what were we talking about before? that's a pregnancy brain for you. i thought there was a point. >> jimmy: we were talking about your baby shower. >> no, we weren't. >> jimmy: we were talking about you getting married. >> oh, yeah, i mean we're going to get married. [cheers and applause ] >> i was just saying before, i have not had a pregnancy brain this whole pregnancy. i feel like i can remember everything, and i just jinxed myself. >> jimmy: is that really a thing? >> yeah, you forget everything. it's unfortunate if it kicks in now. >> jimmy: but it will be fun for us. i can help you with this. >> okay. >> jimmy: so you had a baby shower. did you open the gifts in front
of everyone? >> a ton of gifts. i say -- i mean i felt yesterday that if carrie bradshaw from sex in the city were to have a baby shower, this would have been it. my baby has garment bags of designer clothes. it's amazing. >> jimmy: are you going to have to dress the baby in those clothes and send pictures? >> that sounds fun. i'm going to dress her up, of course. >> jimmy: do you feel weird about getting all those clothes because it's not like babies need designers clothes. >> i didn't get like the diaper genie. >> jimmy: what's the worst gift you got of all the gifts? and who gave it to you? >> the worst gift? there was a bad gift. there was -- well, not bad. it was her first like, dallas cowboys play book, but it's my ex all through it, so i don't
know how much i can tell her about my ex. >> jimmy: that seems like a weird gift. >> it's like, and this is the quarterback. >> jimmy: make sure that person isn't invited to the wedding. >>. >> i do want to teach her about football. >> jimmy: why? >> well, not to play it. but eric plays football, and i feel like she's going to be really athletic. she's going to be a very large baby, i don't know if you can tell. >> jimmy: yeah, she might be. >> she might be a line backer. no -- what was i saying? >> jimmy: i don't know. are you ready for the baby? is the house baby-proofed? >> yes, we just finished the nursery. i don't know if you're into shabby chic, but the creator of the word, shabby chic, she did the nursery and she did my entire house. that's my way of nesting. i don't take the hammer and do
it. i hired somebody to do it for me. >> jimmy: if only birds could do that. you are very busy and you have all this stuff going on. >> and i'm still working. >> jimmy: how -- >> this is my last thing, though. i'm tired. it's definitely past my bedtime. >> jimmy: can you say when you're having the baby? >> i can have the baby soon. >> jimmy: yeah. >> yeah. i'd like to keep her in there for a little bit longer. >> jimmy: there might be an adult in there. >> there might be. >> jimmy: the child comes out, introduces herself to you, hi, mom. >> i had a dream. you know you have weird dreams, a pregnant lady. the other night i had a dream that she put her foot through my bellybutton, and i was playing, this little piggy went to the
market, and it was completely normal. >> jimmy: are you nervous with the birth and the birthing process? >> no, i'm ready to push. >> jimmy: will you be drugged? >> yes, sir. >> jimmy: you should get those. that's why god gave us drugs. >> a lot of people are like, i want to do it how my mother did it. not really. >> jimmy: you can go back to the cave days, and that's not what you want to do. >> no, no. i'd rather experience less pain. >> jimmy: do you know what you're going to name your daughter? >> yes, she has had a name since the beginning. >> jimmy: oh, since conception? >> we have a girl name and a boy name. but we found out early. like two weeks in. >> jimmy: how do you find out that quickly? >> i was feeling guilty about drinking. not good to throw back scotch.
>> jimmy: they say scotch and fetuses are a bad combination. so that way you were able to stop drinking earlier than most people. has that been hard? >> well, actually the thought of it is gnawsiating, but i do crave the buzz. that would be nice. >> jimmy: this kid's going to have a lot of fun. we'll take a quick break here. don't give birth during a commercial. >> i'll try not to. >> jimmy: jessica simpon, we'll be right back. [ male announcer ] when do you take 5-hour energy? when i'm on the night shift. when they have more energy than i do. when i don't feel like working out. when there isn't enough of me to go around. ♪ when i have school. and work. every morning. it's faster and easier than coffee. every afternoon when that 2:30 feeling hits. -every day. -every day. every day is a 5-hour energy day.
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>> jimmy: your new show is called "fashion star." >> yes. >> jimmy: you've been very successful in the fashion world. did you imagine you would become this successful in the fashion world? >> no, i thought i would be nominated for grammys. my career took a different turn. >> jimmy: it shur did. >> but i'm blessed to have the career that i have. my mom and i do this together. so it's a fun project for us to do. we're completely inspired. on the "fashion star," my mom and i don't work together. she's not on the show. >> jimmy: john barbados, is a mentor and nicole richie. >> she's funny.
>> jimmy: is she like the tough one on the show, the one who cuts people down? >> i think john barbados, he's so respected that a lot of the designers look to him for the critiques and stuff. they kind of look to nicole and i just for opinions here and there. but i think that they really trust when john says. he probably makes them nervous. >> jimmy: do you get rough with them and let them have it? >> well, i want everybody to succeed. the whole show is about getting those buys and selling those clothes. that's a great thing because every week there's different winners that get to sell. >> jimmy: and the stuff is ready right away. people buy the stuff right away. >> you buy it online that night or in the stores the next day. with the premiere, we sold out. >> jimmy: you did? >> yeah, we sold out all the clothing. it was exciting. >> jimmy: have you made anyone cry? >> well, there is a guy on there that cries. his name is oscar. he cries a lot.
and this week i inform him that i had a dream that i gave birth to him because he cried on so much, i think. i dreamt they gave birth to him and had to change his diapers and he was still wearing a top hat. >> jimmy: a lot of very strange dreams. >> i know. i don't think i was pregnant then, but maybe. >> jimmy: what about your music career? are you going to make another album? >> absolutely. music is my heart. music is my soul. i will definitely be making another record. i can't imagine not making a record with my baby in my life. >> jimmy: will you make a kid's album or something like that? >> i don't know. the lovely jewel did that and i love her kid's record. i've been playing it for this one. >> really? >> yeah. >> jimmy: you feel like the baby can hear? >> for sure. she likes reggae, though. >> jimmy: if there's a puff of smoke, send her right to boarding school. it's great to see you. congratulations.
it should be any minute now, i think. >> i think soon. >> jimmy: jessica simpson, everyone. right back with gael garcia bernal. ♪ man, i'm glad aflac pays cash. aflac! ha! isn't major medical enough? huh! no! who's gonna help cover the holes in their plans? aflac! quack! like medical bills they don't pay for? aflac! or help pay the mortgage? quack! or child care? quack! aflaaac! and everyday expenses? huh?! blurlbrlblrlbr!!! [ thlurp! ] aflac! [ male announcer ] help your family stay afloat at aflac.com. plegh!
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guys, guys. take it easy, ok? pete's mom is videochatting me, and she wants her pen back! ok, alright, well. i just got one. so... yeah, you've got a little... yep, i can feel the wet patch. don't look at it. when it'on your mind, it's on ebay. >> dicky: this week on "jimmy kimmel live" -- kristen bell -- don rickles --
kristin chenoweth -- ice cube -- dave france -- and jimmie johnson. plus, music from dr. teeth and the electric mayhem featuring travis barker -- neon trees -- and kiss. >> dicky: the "jimmy kimmel live" concert series, sponsored by bud light. to stream off-air performances and other music videos, go to jimmykimmellive.com. [ male announcer ] cookies
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it properly, but, yeah, i got this thing. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: how are you? >> i'm very good. good so see you. >> jimmy: you do a tremendous amount of smoking in this movie. >> dicky: quite a lot. >> jimmy: do you smoke? >> dicky: nop i've been trying to start for a long time. dee ego is the one who's been trying to stop. he's been having issues with not being able to quit. >> jimmy: there, this must have been a bad thing for him to be opposite you doing all the smoking. >> yeah. >> jimmy: how long you guys been friends? >> we know each other since he was born. >> jimmy: since he was born? >> yeah. he's a little bit younger than i am. >> jimmy: so your parents were friends? how did that work? >> our parents were friends. >> jimmy: what did they do? >> my parents were theater actors. and his parents are from the
theater as well, set designer. and his mother is a costume designer. >> jimmy: so you guys grew up amongst that and obviously it made an impression on you. would you go to see your parents' plays? something that kids would want to see? >> yeah. even if we didn't want to. >> jimmy: you were forced to? >> yeah. to spend time there with them and to have a lot of attention. we grew up there. >> jimmy: what kind of adventures did you have? >> perhaps this is the first time i'm going to mention a few, but -- [cheers and applause ] >> we were very little at that point. >> jimmy: how old are you talking about here? >> i think we were like 7, 8, something like that. we would go into the theaters and the university in mexico has a cultural complex in the south of mexico city and 32 are many theaters there, connected through the -- they told me the
word, i don't know how to say this. you speak spanish. guillermo? >> like a bridge, i think. >> jimmy: rafters? >> yes, through the rafters, we would go and see different shows and we would -- we would know when the good bits in the other shows were happening. so for example, our first sight of a female body woth clothes was at this precise moment, and we were there. >> jimmy: really? was that female on stage, or was she changing at the time? >> a little -- >> jimmy: so you must have loved going to the theater then? >> it was amazing. >> jimmy: a couple of horny little phantoms of the opera is what you were.
[ laughter ] >> jimmy: now, this movie, it's a little bit hard to explain because it's kind of a parody of movies in spanish. what did you think when you got the script? did you understand what it was supposed to be when you got it? >> no, no. i didn't understand it, because i thought there was something lost in the translation. when they told me, it's going to be in spanish, i was like, no. are ur sure? they want us to speak in spanish, but will ferrell won't be speaking spanish and they were like, no. then i spoke to will, and it's going to be in spanish and i'm going to be talking spanish. it's like, really? >> jimmy: what did you think of his spanish? >> he speaks really well. you speak really well. i've seen the show. >> jimmy: not really. >> guillermo?
>> no. >> jimmy: thank you, i appreciate that. but the movie turned out to be funny and partly because the dialogue is ridiculous, inher t inherently ridiculous. >> it isis quite ridicuus. >> jimmy: did you do any telenofally when you were a kid? >> i did one when i was 12 years old. it was called abwellie jo. [cheers and applause ] >> jimmy: that means rafters in english. [ laughter ] >> yes. >> jimmy: how old were you when you did that? >> i was 12, or 11. >> jimmy: what did you play? >> a kid with a dog that suffered a lot. i can't believe you guys remember it. i mean, it's like -- [cheers and applause ] youtube didn't exist at that
point. >> jimmy: what kinds of things happened to the kid? >> everything. more than any person in the whole los angeles county ever saw. in only a period of like a year. >> jimmy: what happened to him specifically? >> just everything would be mellow drama, you know. like the dog got ill at the same time that the neighbors were moving out. they were demolishing the house. he was very poor. there was no money. the girl didn't want him. so everything that you can imagine. this is one thing over the next over the next over the next. >> jimmy: did the dog make it? >> the dog made it. >> jimmy: that's the important thing. it's great to see you. thank you for being here. "casa de mi padre" is in theaters now. we'll be back with the naked and famous. ♪
yeah -- yeah yeah -- yeah ♪ ♪ can't help myself but count the flaws claw my way out through these walls ♪ ♪ one temporary escape feel it start to permeate ♪ ♪ we lie beneath the stars at night our hands gripping each other tight ♪ ♪ you keep my secrets hope to die promises -- swear them to the sky ♪ ♪ the bittersweet between my teeth trying to find the in-betweens ♪ ♪ fall back in love eventually yeah -- yeah yeah -- yeah ♪